[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the United States of America:
Rodney Carrington!
[cheering]
How are you?
Hi, everybody.
[whistling, cheering]
Do not adjust your glasses.
I'm this goddamn fat, alright?
[laughter]
I... I used to look at fat people and go,
"How in the hell did you let yourself get like that?"
And then I just went out and found out for myself.
I got divorced about four years ago.
And you don't know how important it is
to have somebody in your life, around eight or nine o'clock at night,
to say, "Don't eat that."
"You do not need to be eating chocolate cake this time of night."
Because when you live by yourself like I do,
and you buy cake, put it in the kitchen...
I'm watching TV at night, the only thing I can think about
is how there's a cake in my damn kitchen.
There's a cake in my kitchen.
When you live by yourself you don't need a plate.
You've just got to get a fork.
[laughter]
And you'll eat half, and go, "Well, fuck, I'm here." And you eat the other half.
And three months later you're in drawstring britches.
[laughter]
When you go to buy jeans and they go, "What size?" you go, "42, 16."
[laughter]
Those are capri pants for fat girls.
When you lean down to pull your boots on and you black out, like, "What the fuck?"
[laughter]
...you have to start addressing shit.
I cannot remember the last time that I physically washed my feet with my hands.
I just pour shampoo on them and go like that.
[laughter]
You know, I'm just not that motivated right now, folks.
When you get married and, I don't know, when you get divorced,
whoever tells you they take half... they get it all.
If you live in this state they get every bit of it.
I'm just letting you know.
My kids say, "Get a girlfriend."
Are you crazy? I'm still paying for the last one.
If somebody came to me and went, "You want pussy, or mac and cheese?"
I'd go, "Fuck...
I'm gonna go with mac and cheese."
[laughter]
It's just less work, you know?
Pussy is just exhausting.
Isn't it? I mean, I like it, don't get me wrong.
I just don't like what it's attached to, 90 percent of the time.
[laughter, whooping]
That was the problem with my ex-wife. I liked it, she didn't care for it.
I tried to get her to eat it in the hot tub one time, and...
she wouldn't touch it.
I don't blame her. It's gamey. Tastes like duck.
[laughter]
Doesn't it? You're like: "What the fuck? I can't tell.
What does it taste like? Seagull or some shit? I can't tell."
[laughter]
That's why we eat it in the dark. You know that, right?
Because if they saw us, they would see us going,
"Oh, fuck! How long do I got to do this shit?"
And they're like, "It's wet, isn't it?" You're like, "Yeah."
[laughter]
"Yeah, it's wet because I'm not swallowing this shit."
You breathe... you breathe through your mouth.
It's the same technique you use to pick up dog shit.
[laughter]
Isn't it?
When you pick up, you go, "Oh, shit, oh, fuck."
That's going to be a topic of conversation on the way home.
[female voice] "Do you hold your breath when you lick my pussy?"
[male voice] "Fucking Rodney, God damn it!"
"Do you hold your breath when you lick my pussy?"
"Well, hell, mid-week, I've got to go back to work.
I don't need that shit on my breath."
[laughter]
"But if it's Saturday and I'm hammered I'll lick your butt. I don't give a fuck."
[laughter]
You go down there like a trucker.
[gargles]
That's the time you're glad that pussy juice don't have purple dye in it.
Saturday night, you look like a clown.
[laughter]
"Have you been eating pussy? It's all over your goddamn face."
[he sighs]
I'm not that motivated.
I don't have to worry.
Not a lot of women are going, "I want to fuck that fat little son of a bitch."
[laughter]
Except another fat little son of a bitch.
Which, by the way, are fun to fuck.
Now that old Rod's a fatty, I've had to... well, you know, I've had a few fatties.
I was with this girl one night. She was about 180. Real good-looking.
Five-two. One-eighty.
[laughter]
She's sitting on top of me and she puts her hand on my forehead,
and leans over and presses, and I'm like, "What the fuck?"
She goes, "I am going to fuck the shit out of you."
I said, "I hope you do."
She goes, "I am going to tear your little dick off with my vagina."
I said, "I dare you."
[laughter]
And she got to rocking back and forth.
And she had shaved all her shit, but it was about two weeks earlier.
[laughter]
Yeah.
She had, like, a sailor beard going on down there.
And it was rubbing against my stomach.
I'm like, "Whoa, slow the fuck down. You're going to start a friction fire."
[laughter]
"You're going to burn a hole in my goddamn stomach.
I need some Neosporin. I can barely keep a hard-on, it's burning so much.
My leg has been asleep for 15 minutes. Use the stirrups every now and then."
[laughter]
"I'm going to get some Neosporin, and when I come back, I'm on top, chubby."
[laughter]
I was down here about two nights ago, drinking with one of my buddies.
It's one of them bars where you sit at the bar and see yourself in the mirror.
Get drunker as the night goes on.
And this drunk Christian woman walked up to me.
Because there's a bunch in this town.
[laughter]
A lot of drunk Christian women.
She walked up to me and introduced herself like this: "Hey!"
[hiccups]
"I know you.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy with those sick-ass jokes you tell,
because one of these days you're going to meet your maker."
I couldn't tell if she was serious because I run into a lot of drunk sons of bitches.
But it dawned on me real quick that she was serious.
She sat down and told me one of these days I was going to meet my maker.
I told her I was encouraged,
because I thought I might be going straight to hell.
[laughter]
I had no idea I was going to get a chance to explain myself.
Because I feel like I can talk my way out of anything, given a damn chance.
Then she told me how upset God was with me,
and I said, "How could I be so wrong, if I was his idea?"
I'm not my fault.
Do you ever think that maybe God got tired of stamping out the same old shit,
and thought, "Tonight, I'm going to make something weird"?
[laughter]
When he was putting me together, he was using different kinds of ingredients.
He had on big rubber gloves, and it was late one night.
He was in his laboratory, somebody walked in and interrupted him: "Hey, God."
And I got loose. He went, "Fuck! Get that."
[laughter]
"It's got half a brain and I didn't put a dick on it."
[laughter]
"If it gets loose, it will hate itself."
Imagine how long the damn line is, to meet your maker.
"Has that fucker let anybody in yet?
I've been here four hours. The line hasn't moved."
That's going to be an anxiety-ridden line, isn't it?
Standing in that son of a bitch. Good God!
"What's wrong?" "I've got to shit."
"You can't shit outside. You can only shit when you get in."
Then that moment when you push through the turnstile
and it's just you and Him.
"How are you doing?
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Rodney. I guess I should ask, how much do you know?"
[laughter]
I imagine God looking like Clint Eastwood.
You know, the real cool one from the '70s.
Where he sits with a toothpick in his mouth and pulls it out,
and says, "I know everything."
We're going to be here a while.
[laughter]
I'll pull my pants down and point, and He's going to go,
"Fuck, I wondered where you were.
Get in here, you were too quick. I couldn't catch you when you ran off.
Billy, he's here. You know, the one I told you about. Nothing there.
Get him a beanbag chair and something to drink.
Tell him we're sorry and tell him where the shitter is."
[laughter]
Everything we laugh at, God has something to do with.
He created the penis, stuck it on the first man.
Looked at it, stared, wondered and pondered, and thought,
"Ah, fuck. Looks weird by itself.
I have to put something under it."
[laughter, whooping]
Wouldn't you like to have seen the stuff He sketched out,
long before he decided on what he decided on?
It must have been awful for him to come to the conclusion
that a sack with two balls and hair all over it was his best option.
[laughter]
Because at some point he went, "Yeah, girls will love that."
[laughter]
I ain't met one that said, "Could you slap those against my chin a little faster?"
"I must admit, you are a rare bird!
I might have to see you again, Darlene."
[laughter]
Aren't you glad he put it where he put it, right here,
and not right here?
"You going to eat?" "No, my balls stink."
"I gag every time I chew. Oh, fuck!
But I can lick them."
"Quit licking your balls at the dinner table.
Your dick is getting hard and we have guests."
[laughter]
That's what I did.
It's amazing that we stay together. We're so different.
I grew up with three young sisters. I know a lot about you women.
You bleed 84 days out of the year.
And you stink.
Now, I'm not being shitty. I'm just telling you the truth.
I can tell whether a woman is on her period just by the way she smells.
I know. I didn't want that fucking talent.
[laughter]
God gave me that. Who wants that fucking talent? I'll give it to you.
You walk past me in a grocery store, I'll go, "Yep, she's on it."
A lot of you going, "That's horseshit."
Flip on the lights, I'll sniff a few of you out.
[laughter]
Be real still. If you cover with your hand I'll sniff through it.
I can smell up to 70 feet, alright?
A lot of women over here are going, "Dear God, please don't let this happen."
And I'm not going to embarrass you.
But there's a few of you, right in this area right here.
Right out of the damn box, I can smell you.
You bleed 84 days out of the year, you don't even get dizzy. That's amazing.
I cut my finger on the onion chopper and went, "What the fuck?"
[laughter]
We're not talking a finger prick on an onion chopper,
we're talking about a hatchet wound to the crotch.
That bleeds so much, you have to pack it full of gauze to get it to go away.
[laughter]
And you do. You pack that sucker full of gauze and go get the kids.
You pack it full of gauze and you go to the grocery store.
Because you're an angry, bloody, fucking soldier.
[laughter]
I'm surprised more women don't say:
"I just can't take this shit. I bleed. I stink. I want it gone.
If you can just fuck me in the ass..."
"Do you know how much I love you?"
[laughter]
"I know how much courage it took for you to come to me and say that.
And I will fuck you in the ass...
until death do we part.
I love you."
I've seen childbirth three times in person.
Something else men wouldn't tolerate.
That math equation will never be able to be answered in your head.
The fact that you can take your thing and stick it in her thing,
and squirt something on some thing,
and nine months later, something squirts out of your twat
and costs a million dollars.
[laughter]
You don't think about that.
And then when it comes out it's that long, and about that big around.
Right out of your twat.
Not a marble. I've seen that.
[laughter]
That looks effortless.
You've got to go...
You've got to go in line to see that.
Fellas, if you walk into the bedroom with a little sandwich bag full of marbles
you're going to catch a little shit.
Hold them up, shake them at her.
[female voice] "What are you doing?"
[male voice] "Well, I was online yesterday and something made my dick real hard.
So I was going to see if you might want to participate."
"What is it?"
"Well...
See, I got these eight marbles over at Walgreens.
I soaked them in hydrogen peroxide so they're bacteria-free.
I was going to have you stick them in your twat,
and have you spit them out one by one with your little pussy muscle,
and I was going to position myself where I could watch it,
and jack off on your forehead."
[laughter]
"Doesn't that sound like fun?
I can kind of tell by the look on your face, you're not real into it, so..."
[laughter]
"I'm going to go get myself a pop tart."
[laughter]
You cannot watch pornography when you're married.
There's a couple of reasons.
Number one, your spouse cannot compete with what's on the internet.
And nor should he ever have to.
[laughter]
If we believe the internet,
we have to believe that every dick is a foot long.
And if that's the case, I'm going to have to move to China.
[laughter]
[Chinese voice] "You've got big dick, cowboy."
"Only here, Chingaling, only here.
Back in the States, I'm all balls."
[laughter]
What happens when you watch pornography is, it's never enough.
Fellas, you know this.
You sick motherfuckers.
Because I'm one of you. It's never enough.
If you watch pornography, it is never enough.
You might find something you like and go back to it ten times.
But eventually, it ain't weird enough.
It ain't weird enough. You know why?
Same part of your brain that operates when you watch pornography:
same part of your brain that operates when you get hooked on heroin.
Yeah.
I learned this in church.
[laughter]
That's the truth. Think about it. Nobody starts with heroin.
You start with wine coolers, work your way up.
Wine coolers, beer, whiskey,
pot, cocaine, pills...
After that you're shooting up, you've lost maybe 70 pounds,
there's teeth missing, you're in a dark alley,
and there might be a dick in your butt.
[laughter]
That's your only bargaining power.
"Did you bring my shit?" "I brought your shit. Shut up."
Most of us stop short of that level, for obvious reasons.
"Fuck that, I'm just going to drink whiskey."
What happens when you watch pornography, same deal.
It starts out innocent, just like a wine cooler.
First, it's just some woman sitting on the edge of a bath tub,
rubbing baby oil on her titty.
Your wife might even watch it with you.
"I know why you watch that.
She's got big titties, and I know you,
and she's pretty, and she's rubbing baby oil all over her."
But eight months down the road, your wife ain't there. She's at work.
You've been sitting behind the screen,
your breath smells like crackers and grape juice.
All you've been doing is snacking and jacking.
[laughter]
You're not looking at some woman rubbing oil on her titties.
You're looking at a four-foot Asian with a catfish stuck in her ass.
The tail is wagging, as it struggles to stay alive.
Even you can't believe how weird you are. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
[laughter]
Jesus. Fuck!
Your wife is the same way. "What is wrong with you?
We've been married 20 years. You come in the bedroom. I'm naked.
You don't get a hard-on. What the fuck is that goddamn fish doing in here?"
[laughter]
Somehow you find a way to make it work.
Every one of you bastards has got some weird shit you do in the bedroom
that the PTA don't know nothing about.
You're all bubbles at school.
"How you doing? I had it in my ass about two hours ago."
You don't say that, but you did.
I know you.
You find a way to make it work, and you should.
There's nothing on the other side.
I'm telling you, I'm there right now.
You know what's on the other side? Young and dumb, and old and crazy.
There's these young girls out there going, "I just want to travel the world."
Well, you work at Arby's. It's going to be a while.
[laughter]
Then you've got middle-aged women whose husband ran off and left them,
because he thought the grass was greener,
only to find out it was poison ivy.
[laughter]
And she's gained 30 pounds since college, and she's just a basket case.
"I don't know if anybody is going to love me again.
I don't know if anybody is going to love me again."
Well, not with that attitude, Sybil.
Put down the donut, get on a treadmill.
Life's going on, here we go. Pull it together.
It makes no sense.
You have the most powerful bargaining chip on the planet.
You have a pussy.
[women whoop]
Yes. See, only two of you know about it.
[laughter]
The rest of you act like, "What did he say? What?"
If I had what you had, why... I'd be a whore!
[laughter]
I would walk into my apartment complex and go, "I'm not paying my rent."
"We're going to throw you out." I'd say, "You sure about that?"
[laughter]
And I would fiddle with my clitoris.
[laughter]
"Well, I guess you can stay for another six months."
You can't pull your balls out and get a free month. It ain't happening.
[laughter]
You're so lucky.
As a woman you could have no arms and no legs,
and your head could be on backwards, and somebody would still fuck you.
That's how lucky you are.
As a man in the same predicament,
all you could do is rock back and forth and go, "Why?"
Why?
Hello?
If you have giant tits you have an advantage in life.
Even retarded people know this.
[women whoop]
If you have a D-cup size or bigger,
your face could have caught on fire when you were seven,
and your brother could have broke a shovel trying to put that motherfucker out,
and you're still going to be OK.
Somebody would go, "Dry them tears, that fire didn't get them nipples.
[laughter]
God damn, it took your lips off though, didn't it?
You look like a barracuda."
[laughter]
I know a lot of women out there: "But we want equal pay!"
You could have had ten times the pay if you used your noggin and your puss!
If every one of you girls locked arms on the planet,
and stood on top of Mount Kilimanjaro,
wherever the fuck that is,
and hollered down:
"We ain't coming down until we get ten times the amount of pay as men get!"
It might take six or eight months,
but eventually you would hear us at the bottom of the mountain.
Alright!
[laughter]
Fuck!
Come on down!
And bring that pussy with you.
Alright, men, listen.
They're coming.
When they get down here, grab one and go fuck the shit out of them.
When the last man is done,
we're going to tell them we were just kidding about all that pay shit.
[laughter]
They're going to get agitated and run back up that mountain.
We're going to have seven months of peace and tranquility,
fishing, golfing, hunting,
and then we're going to figure out some idea to fuck them for Christmas.
How does that sound?
[whooping, cheering]
You with me?
That's right.
These are jokes. If you learn anything, it's a goddamn accident.
You girls are pissed: "See how they are? This is bullshit.
We come off the mountain, they fuck us, and then fuck us again."
[laughter]
Yeah, pretty much.
The fact of the matter is, we can't live without you.
We like you. A lot.
Here's one thing we'd like you to do.
We'd like you to quit trying to maintain your birth weight of eight pounds.
[laughter]
Society has dictated to you that you've got to look like a goddamn skeleton.
No man I know, love, or care about, or respect, wants to fuck a skeleton.
[cheering, whistling]
Or...
some muscled-up woman who looks like a goddamn track star named Kevin.
"Hey, Bill, how's that girl you're dating? That one that looks like Kevin."
[laughter]
"How's that?" "Yucky."
"Fucking yucky, isn't it? Fucking yucky."
Yuck. A man goes down a raft, he likes handles.
Likes to hold on. It's more fun that way.
Goes down a river, he wants a raft with handles, right here.
He wants to reach round above your bush and hold your cooch.
Another thing. Quit shaving your twat. After 40 it's beat to shit.
You need hair on that.
[laughter]
After 40, it looks like a sea urchin out of a shell.
You need some fucking hair, alright?
It don't need to go down your leg to your ankles,
but it can be shaved in a fucking triangle, like the '70s.
You goddamn older women: "I shaved my..."
Fuck! Stop. Fucking stop.
[laughter]
You're always on a diet.
"You want some cake?" "No. I am dieting."
"Well, I didn't know. I saw you eat pecan pie last night."
"You motherfucker!"
[laughter]
I can't tell if you're mad because you got caught, or what.
And women take that shit seriously.
You better be able to recognize when they've been dieting, even for a day.
[female voice] "You son of a bitch, can't you see I'm starving?
I didn't eat a goddamn thing all day. I am fucking shaking."
"Well, go eat something." "No! That's how I got like this."
[laughter]
You come home with ten Lean Cuisines, fired up from Doctor Oz,
and throw them on the counter.
"What are you going to do with those?"
"I'm going to try to diet, if I can get some support in this house."
[laughter]
"What about that trampoline in front of our closet that you never jumped on?
When are you going to hop on that, Cheryl Tiegs?"
[laughter]
"I stub my toe on it every morning, getting dressed."
"You know what? This is exactly what I'm talking about, right here.
This is why I can't lose weight."
"Are you fucking serious right now?"
[laughter]
"I'm the reason you're chubarilla?"
Now, you don't say that, because you've got a goddamn brain in your head.
When you've been married a long time, there's only a few words.
And these are them:
"I know. You're right.
I should have listened better.
I'll get the kids.
Don't worry.
You look pretty.
I love you.
Go look in my wallet."
Yeah. You know why you know that?
Because when you were young,
youthful pride had no filter when you argued with your wife.
You would go, "Fuck you!"
You ever say "Fuck you" to the woman you love?
Yeah, isn't that magical, how that works out?
[laughter]
When you say "Fuck you" to your wife, or the woman you love,
you have just booked yourself a ticket to No-Pussy-Ville.
And it's a long walk.
Twelve hundred miles, and your buddies are there.
It's like The Island of Misfit Toys.
You go to No-Pussy-Ville, you come back a changed man.
When you come back, you are changed.
[laughter]
Hi.
[laughter]
Look, I'm sorry that I said "Fuck you" six months ago.
I meant to say, "I love you," and it came out, "Fuck you."
[laughter]
And I'm sorry.
I'll never do it again.
And she'll tell you, you are sorry.
"You think you're going to waltz in and apologize?
And hop back on me and get inside Momma's little biscuit?"
[laughter]
"I didn't say anything about a biscuit.
"Well, that's good because you're not getting any of this
until you're back in this: my heart."
"How long is that going to fucking take?"
[laughter]
Instead you say to her, "I'm going to diet with you."
And when you say it you're like, "Why the hell did I say that?"
Men don't like to diet.
We don't care if our buddies are fat. Our fat buddies are our funnest buddies.
Because they're happy. You know why? Because they're fucking full.
[laughter]
Yeah. They think diabetes is an island in the fucking Caribbean somewhere.
"Me and Laura are going down to Diabetes in June. You want to go?"
[laughter]
Men don't tell each other we're fat. We don't go:
"Jim, God damn, eat a chicken salad, fat-ass.
You look like hell."
It's not until our women tell us, "You're fat,"
that a man goes, "What?
How long?"
"A long time."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because we walk past the same mirror every morning, you dumb-ass. That's why."
[laughter]
Men, you don't know you're fat. I'm going to help you.
You go home tonight, lay down on your bed. No pillow.
Alright? It's important, no pillow.
Like this, flat. Just like this.
This is how you're going to lay.
Look straight at the ceiling,
and when you're laying down, it's as skinny as you can get.
It's as skinny as you can get.
Have your wife come in,
and she's going to get up on her elbow and jack you off, like this.
If while you're there, out of your peripheral vision,
you can't see her hand or arm moving...
[laughter]
...that's how you know you're a fat-ass.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Oh, shit. Alright.
Show's over! Son of a bitch.
Another way you can tell you're fat:
when you've got to use your legs to throw yourself up, like that.
[he chuckles]
God damn.
I've got to quit telling stories where I lay down.
[laughter]
"We saw him. That fucker laid down, never got up again. We had to leave."
Look,
there's moments in marriage where you look at each other and go,
"I ought to kill you in your goddamn sleep."
That is completely normal.
It is normal. It's a feeling. It will pass. Do not act on it.
There's going to be a moment, fellas, walking with your wife..
You might even be at the zoo.
And her shorts are too short, and you notice that her ass is goddamn gigantic.
And you also notice that you're married. It comes to you: "I'm married to that."
And you're going to get really, really sad.
You're not even going to want to look at the animals.
"Honey, come look at the monkeys." "No, God damn, woman."
Then you go home, look in the mirror, and you're not much of a prize either.
And you're going to find a way to love her again.
You probably fantasize about what's out there.
"Something younger." You don't want that shit. I've had it.
When you get divorced, it's like the Coast Guard hovers over your house.
Nobody sees divorce coming.
You might think about it, but you don't see it coming.
Helicopter flies over your house. You're mowing.
A guy drops down, grabs you, pulls you up in the helicopter.
He slaps the fuck out of you,
puts a lifejacket on you, flies you to the middle of the ocean, throws you out.
And you just swim. You don't know what the fuck just happened.
You've just been taken out of your whole life. Can't see land.
You make the dumbest decisions you'll ever make during this time.
Something floats by, you eat it, only to find out it's a turd.
[laughter]
These are the kind of things you do.
You drink more than you normally drink.
During this time, I met a girl who was 20 years younger.
We went out to clubs...
[loud booming]
"What the fuck am I doing in this goddamn place?"
There's nothing you have in common with a woman 20 years your junior.
You know why? Because when you're 47 years old, you've lived life.
You've been to funerals, weddings...
You cry at a Hallmark commercial. They look at you: "Why are you crying?"
"Because I've lived life. You're fucking 12."
[laughter]
I would share a good life story with her, at dinner.
She'd look at me like a hung moon, and then go...
I was looking for something else from her.
The reason you're with your wife is because she says something you respect.
She has an opinion that reminds you that you're a fucking idiot,
and you're like, "Damn it, I need her in my life."
But we're sitting there, and she would go: "You've just got to stay positive.
I'd say, "God damn, you dug deep for that one, didn't you?"
[laughter]
It was all I could do, not to take the fork out of her hand
and just stab her in the goddamn forehead.
[laughter]
Protect other men from that kind of stupidity.
But then we would go home.
And she would take off all her clothes.
[sings choral melody]
[sings in Latin]
[sings high note, people cheer]
Her skin was not yet reptilian, like mine.
You do not want to be dating after 45. You're introducing more than yourself.
You're thinking, "When do I tell her about the toenail that looks like a corn chip?"
[laughter]
"Or the mole on my back that has an Afro on top of it?"
Yeah, it's not pleasant.
The woman you have now, she goes, "Look at that nasty goddamn toe."
She'll still fuck you after you leave the beach.
But a new one goes, "Oh! No, can't do that. Fuck you."
Her skin was not yet reptilian. It was perfect.
At 25, you're gorgeous. Her tits went, "What?"
Totally different than the ones I was used to that went,
"Hey, Rodney, how you doing there, buddy?"
[laughter]
"We've been hanging around waiting on you."
Like big dog ears hanging off, with a nipple right at the end.
I reached between her legs, it felt like a baby horse taking a peanut out of my hand.
I went, "What the...
That thing's starving. I'm going to get some more peanuts."
[laughter]
She said to me, "Lets fuck."
My dick heard her and went, "No!"
[high voice] "No, I don't want to fuck.
I don't want to fuck.
I'm scared."
She said, "Is something wrong?" and I started to cry.
When you're on a girl and your dick doesn't work,
you have to cry or they think you're queer.
[laughter]
I called the doctor I play golf with. I said, "Merlon, meet me at IHOP."
This was the next morning.
I tell him the story, he gives me a smoker's laugh.
[wheezing laugh]
He says, "Are you still taking that medicine I gave you?"
Two months earlier on the golf course,
out of the back seat of his car he throws me a bottle of pills.
"Take these for a while. You won't give a shit about nothing."
I took them.
Then two weeks later I watched my dog get run over and went...
[chuckles goofily]
Then I went, "Fuck, these motherfuckers are serious."
[laughter]
You don't give a shit about nothing.
But one of the side-effects is that your dick gets cerebral palsy.
It just lays on your ball sack,
like it's a beanbag chair, and smokes little cigarettes.
[stoner voice] "What's going on, man?
I don't fuck no more, man.
I just sit here, man."
Yeah. Not fun.
He said, "Cut the dose, I'll call in some Viagra."
I said, "Merlon, I know you and your wife. I've had dinner at your house.
I'm not going to be Sunday night funnies over how Rodney's on weenie pills.
Fuck off."
He took a hunk out of his sausage and went, "Suit yourself."
I said, "If you call them in, what time will they be ready?"
[laughter]
Men, there comes a time in a lot of your lives,
some of you in here, maybe many,
where the doctor says to you,
"Jim, you're just going to have to take a pill to make your dick work."
When a man hears this,
it is a day of reckoning.
It is a three-day stare out a fucking window.
You think to yourself, "Maybe I ought to just buy a metal detector
and start collecting rocks and stupid shit."
[laughter]
And at some point you pull yourself up by the bootstraps,
and you drive down to Walgreens and you pick up your medicine.
You drive through, you don't walk in.
Nobody walks in for weenie pills.
"Howdy, girls. The name's Dick Don't-Work. Maybe you've heard of me.
Give me 20 minutes. I'm in a Lexus out front. I'm going to chip a tooth."
[laughter]
No, nobody walks in. You drive through.
And you hope you don't know the pharmacist, like I do.
Richard, 67 years old, sitting in there,
and I'm thinking, "I'll pull in, get right out."
He sees me. There must be 15 people in there.
He holds up the sack and goes, "Caught up with you, didn't it, boy?"
[laughter]
And through the window he sees me go, "Fuck you, Richard, fuck you!
Fuck you, Richard!"
I pulled out of there, hit the bricks,
and just tear the side-view mirror right off my truck.
Ran over it with my back tire.
I pull into the parking lot to read the side-effects.
"Heart palpitations, dizziness, death."
I thought, "Fuck, I can handle it."
[laughter]
Then I saw how much I paid for it. A hundred and eighty-seven dollars.
I thought, "God damn, I must have a four-year supply of this shit."
I pulled out the bottle. You didn't even have to count. There were eight.
I was like, "What the...
Is there chewing gum, or ointment, or something?"
I thought, "Surely he got sidetracked and didn't put them all in there."
So hell, I pulled back around.
"Get over here." He comes up the window. "What is it?"
I said, "There's eight.
She's 25.
Not 75.
You send me home with eight, I'll be back at 6:30, throw eight more back in there."
[laughter]
He said, "You can't eat them like that. They'll kill you."
I said, "Do you just eat one a month?"
He said, "No, eat one every time you want to do it.
You had better know when you're going to do it, too."
Yeah, that last part is important.
[laughter]
If you're at the bar and you've got it in a holster,
and it's about to go down, you start chewing it up.
Stay another hour, you have to eat another
and it's going to cost you 50 dollars to fuck somebody.
[laughter]
The good news is, women in their 50s and older don't care about shit like this.
They're just glad something exists.
They will tell you, "I might want some of that dick of yours in about 45 minutes.
So if you want to chew your pill, I'll fix you a glass of wine.
How does that sound?"
[laughter]
With young girls, no warning. They might want to fuck by the cantaloupe at Reser's.
You can't eat that shit fast enough. "Oh, fuck."
They need an epipen of that shit, where you go...
"Is this what you want?
I think it's what you've been wanting."
Yeah.
These young girls have seen pornography.
It's on their phone. Don't let them fool you.
They think they're actresses.
She's looking back at me: "Ooh, Daddy!"
I'm like, "I ain't your daddy, you pervert weirdo."
[laughter]
"Turn your head around, look ahead, try to enjoy yourself."
She's screaming, "Fuck me harder!" I go, "I'm fucking you with all I've got."
What do you want me to do, back up and get a running start?"
[laughter]
"My back hurts. I'm dizzy.
I feel like I'm going to throw up, here."
Everybody knows, after 45 we don't fuck like this.
We sit in a chair and you ride.
[laughter]
We could die back there.
[woman whoops]
[more women whoop]
I took this girl to Disney World.
[sings] Because I'm an idiot
I'm a moron
July, Orlando, Florida.
Two thousand degrees, down there.
I saw the devil down there, drinking lighter fluid.
[laughter]
We're walking through Disney World:
"God damn, let's just go back to the hotel and drink a margarita in the shade.
This is fucking ridiculous."
She goes, "I want to ride more rides. That's why we came. I want to ride rides."
I said, "Just tell me you've lost all your baby teeth."
[laughter]
"Tell me you've lost all your fucking baby teeth."
She's like, "Yeah, duh!"
Later that night, I was sitting outside Epcot.
They have a 35-minute fireworks display.
It's nice.
And I'm watching it, drinking whiskey out of a plastic cup I brought from the room.
And she's sitting next to me in a pair of Mickey Mouse ears, eating a sucker.
[laughter]
Drunker than Otis from Andy Griffith.
She says, "Am I too young for you?"
I didn't even miss a beat. I went, "Yeah."
She said, "Why?"
I said, "24 years ago I could have saw you in a mall in a baby carriage.
I could have walked up to you with my buddies and said, 'You see that baby?
One of these days...
I'm gonna fuck that baby.'"
[laughter]
"And I can't get over how goddamn weird that makes me feel."
And it wasn't 20 minutes after that, we was on the balcony up in that suite.
She's bent over the railing. I had my dick in her butt.
Well, what are you gonna do?
[laughter]
You're going to stay married, that's what.
And I'm going to sing some songs for you.
[big cheer]
[wolf whistling]
Thanks for coming out here tonight. I could use the money.
I know a lot of you fuckers, and after all those bar tabs I've paid for,
I get it all back tonight.
Thank you.
Second one. Is that right?
[strums gently in country style]
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Bitching again ♪
♪ Saying things she's heard From all her friends ♪
♪ And it don't matter what I do Or where the hell I've been ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Bitching again ♪
♪ I could have made a million dollars ♪
♪ I could have put it in her purse ♪
♪ Bought her a big old mansion ♪
♪ And things would just get worse ♪
♪ I could lasso her the moon ♪
♪ And throw it in with all her stuff ♪
♪ But she'd want to know where Neptune was Because the moon ain't good enough ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Bitching again ♪
♪ Saying things she's heard From all her friends ♪
♪ And it don't matter what I do Or where the hell I've been ♪
♪ Oh, there she goes ♪
♪ Bitching again ♪
♪ I could have painted the Sistine Chapel ♪
♪ I could have won a Nobel Prize ♪
♪ Built the Great Wall there in China ♪
♪ There would be nothing in her eyes ♪
♪ I could have wrote the whole dang Bible ♪
♪ And read it to her twice ♪
♪ And she would want to know Why the yard ain't mowed ♪
♪ And the fridge don't make no ice ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Bitching again ♪
♪ Saying things she's heard From all her friends ♪
♪ It don't matter what I do Or where the hell I've been ♪
♪ Oh, here she comes ♪
♪ Bitching again ♪
[cheering]
Yeah!
[strums faster]
♪ I lay my head down With no regret ♪
♪ My life content now Here, where I sit ♪
♪ Baby, you chose your way ♪
♪ I chose mine ♪
♪ And I get better Like sweet red wine ♪
♪ You're missing out, girl And that's okay ♪
♪ This dick is busy Every night and day ♪
♪ Baby, I'm gone ♪
♪ Baby, I'm gone, long gone ♪
♪ Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey ♪
♪ You could have had me In your twat ♪
♪ But now, honey, I think not ♪
♪ Baby, I'm gone ♪
♪ I'm rolling tight now Up in this club ♪
♪ Checking out booty I want to rub ♪
♪ My choice is varied Black, brown and white ♪
♪ Somebody's riding my love tonight ♪
♪ It could have been you, girl ♪
♪ But you moved on ♪
♪ Now does anybody else Want to lick my ice cream cone? ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, baby, I'm gone ♪
♪ Baby, I'm gone, long gone ♪
♪ Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey ♪
♪ You could have had me In your twat ♪
♪ But now, honey, baby, sugar I think not ♪
♪ Baby, I'm gone ♪
[cheering, applause]
Don't hurt yourselves.
[soft fingerpicking]
♪ I remember the night You rolled in in your chair ♪
♪ The confidence you showed Even though people stared ♪
♪ I knew your legs were missing By the knot in your pants ♪
♪ It didn't stop me I asked you to dance ♪
♪ And I danced while you sat there ♪
♪ I danced while you sat there ♪
♪ I danced while you sat there In your chair ♪
♪ I danced while you sat there ♪
♪ And you smiled As I danced around your chair ♪
♪ You dropped your popcorn Onto the floor ♪
♪ I reached down to help you pick it up ♪
♪ But you said you would get it yourself So you pulled yourself down on the floor ♪
♪ It got weird Because you couldn't get back up ♪
♪ So I danced while you lay there ♪
♪ I danced while you lay there ♪
♪ I danced while you lay there With popcorn in your hair ♪
♪ I danced while you lay there Around your chair ♪
♪ With popcorn in your hair ♪
[whooping]
Thank you.
My parents are so proud of me.
♪ I woke up this morning Saw something on my dick ♪
♪ Something I didn't recognize Damn near made me sick ♪
♪ Then it took off running And behind came 20 more ♪
♪ Around my shaft came another herd From my butt-hole there came more ♪
♪ I got crabs ♪
♪ Not the kind you eat at Joe's But the kind to make your girlfriend mad ♪
♪ I got crabs ♪
♪ Not the kind you eat at Joe's But the kind to make your girlfriend mad ♪
♪ I went down to Walgreens To get poison for my crabs ♪
♪ Ran into my girlfriend Man, did she look mad ♪
♪ In her hand she had crab shampoo And a scrub-brush made of steel ♪
♪ I grabbed them both and heard her holler "Hey, asshole, what's the deal?" ♪
♪ I got crabs ♪
♪ Not the kind you eat at Joe's But the kind to make your girlfriend mad ♪
♪ I got crabs ♪
♪ They're really bad ♪
♪ Not the kind you eat at Joe's ♪
♪ But the kind to make your girlfriend Real mad ♪
[cheering]
You don't want them.
♪ Put your clothes back on ♪
♪ I'd rather be alone ♪
♪ Your thing is all worn out now Get on home ♪
♪ You've had too many lovers And they wore off the hair ♪
♪ There ain't no way I'm going in there ♪
♪ Put your clothes back on And go on home ♪
♪ I should have never gone out ♪
♪ Should have never had a drink ♪
♪ Take that thing outside It's starting to stink ♪
♪ Your friends done told me Where you have been ♪
♪ And I feel sorry for all those men ♪
♪ Put your clothes on And go on home ♪
♪ Yeah, get that thing away from me ♪
♪ It looks like something That your dog would eat ♪
♪ I've seen enough Would you set me free? ♪
♪ I think that thing just barked at me Woof! ♪
♪ Early this morning it bit my leg ♪
♪ Oh, little darling Don't make me beg ♪
♪ Put your clothes back on Go on home ♪
♪ Oh, shit, I'm scared ♪
♪ I need medical care ♪
♪ I think three midgets Just crawled out of there ♪
♪ I was bad before you came ♪
♪ Would you throw something Over that pitiful thing ♪
♪ And put your clothes back on Go on home ♪
♪ Yeah, won't you put your clothes on ♪
♪ And be careful When you're driving home ♪
[cheering]
For all you married folks in here who are struggling tonight,
this song is for you.
This will bring you together.
I think.
♪ Well, I know we got married A long time ago ♪
♪ And things that once seemed new to you Are now getting old ♪
♪ Well, there's something I've been missing ♪
♪ Your vagina and your kissing ♪
♪ I'd like to do what we can do To turn this thing around ♪
♪ How about we fuck? ♪
♪ How about you suck? ♪
♪ How about you get a better job So you can buy me a better truck? ♪
♪ How about we fuck? ♪
♪ How about you suck? ♪
♪ I don't need an answer now But while we're waiting ♪
♪ Can we fuck? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ I know the kids They take your time up ♪
♪ And you're working two damn jobs ♪
♪ Your mom is sick with lupus ♪
♪ You clean our house You feed the dogs ♪
♪ But there's something I've been needing ♪
♪ It's that thing That's sometimes bleeding ♪
♪ I'd like to do what we can do To turn this thing around ♪
♪ How about we fuck? ♪
♪ How about you suck? ♪
♪ How about you get a better job So you can buy me a better truck? ♪
♪ How about we fuck? ♪
♪ How about you suck? ♪
♪ I don't need an answer now But while we're waiting ♪
♪ Can we fuck? ♪
♪ Oh, it seems to me I ain't asking for much ♪
♪ If I pull it out Can I just get a touch? ♪
♪ It's a candy cane in your mind Candy girl ♪
♪ It's a love baton Won't you take it for a twirl? ♪
Boys, like we're camping.
♪ How about we fuck? ♪
♪ How about you suck? ♪
♪ How about you get a better job So you can buy me a better truck? ♪
♪ How about we fuck? ♪
♪ How about you suck? ♪
♪ I don't need an answer now But while we're waiting ♪
♪ Baby, can we fuck? ♪
[cheering]
Don't you feel better now?
Don't you feel better?
I got three Mexicans working at my house.
I pay them in cash, because you've got to.
[laughter]
They're here tonight because they're some of my closest family. I love them.
Benny, 58 years old, he's here tonight. I don't know where you are but I love you.
He come to me about six months ago,
and he said, "Ronnie..." because he can't really pronounce my name.
[laughter]
He said, "I'm going to need a knee replacement."
I said, "Benny, we're not going to do it around here
with some goddamn veterinarian.
We're going to send you somewhere... where I'd go, or I'd send my kids.
Thinking to myself, "How much can a damn knee cost?"
Well, they're 55,000 dollars.
I know. I paid for the son of a bitch up front.
He went down to Birmingham, to a world-renowned orthopedic surgeon,
and he gave him a new knee and he's down there rehabbing,
eating berries and, you know, bananas and cake,
and, you know, just enjoying his life at the spa.
Calling me: "It's great down here."
"Well, don't get too goddamn comfortable. You're coming back, God damn."
And then Clemente, I've spent about 14,000 on his fucking teeth.
I'm like, "Do you even brush your goddamn teeth?"
Now when he smiles, they're fucking beautiful.
Because I fucking bought them. His teeth cost more than his house.
[laughter]
And here's Donald Trump, who I love. I'm a fan. I'm a big goddamn fan.
[cheering]
He's my guy.
But he's talking about sending them back, and I'm like, "You ain't going nowhere.
It's like the Holocaust.
We'll hide your ass in the basement until shit blows over.
You're going to stay right here.
You know, when we're born, the first thing we come in contact with is a titty.
[strums guitar]
Laid on our mama's stomachs, it's shoved into our face as a symbol of nourishment,
peace and tranquility and calm.
Nobody ever gets angry when they see a pair of titties.
You could be ready to fight, and some girl pulls her shirt up,
you're like, "Hold on a sec."
[laughter]
Because they're peaceful. They offer peace.
Peaceful.
It's proven that if a man or woman looks at a pair of titties for 20 minutes,
your blood pressure will drop 20 points.
That's true.
You're never healthier than when breastfeeding,
which is why I only date pregnant girls.
[laughter]
Look at how glowy I am, right now.
Although I do have a lot of baby fat, so I've got to lay off the titty.
Girls, titties offer healing.
Healing.
Tonight, when you're called upon to bring your titties into the air conditioning,
know you're offering more than just pleasurable experience...
to me and all the other men and lesbians in here tonight.
You're offering more than a hearty meal for an eight-month-old.
You're offering a healing. Can I get an amen?
-[crowd] Amen! -That's right.
Somebody in here tonight has got a bad knee.
I know you're in here.
Five more minutes, you're going to be dancing. Can I get an amen?
-Let me hear you. -[crowd] Amen!
Somebody in the back has got their own set of gonorrhea. Goodbye, gonorrhea.
[laughter]
So long, gonorrhea.
Can I get an amen? Goodbye, gonorrhea.
Amen!
Gonorrhea. Who the fuck catches gonorrhea any more?
Let's heal somebody.
♪ Oh, it seems to me This whole world has gone crazy ♪
[whistling, cheering]
♪ Too much hate and killing going on ♪
♪ But when I see the bare chest Of a woman ♪
♪ You know my worries And my problems are gone ♪
♪ No one thinks of fighting When they see a topless girl ♪
♪ And maybe if you would show yours too ♪
♪ We could heal the world ♪
Let's heal somebody, can we, girls? Come on.
Come on, nobody knows you in here.
♪ Show them to me ♪
♪ Unclasp your bra And set those puppies free ♪
♪ They look a whole lot better Without that sweater ♪
♪ And I'm sure you'll agree ♪
♪ If you've got two fun bags, come on ♪
♪ Come on, show them to me ♪
I see a pair up here, but they've got hair on them.
Those are the wrong kind.
But my headache is starting to go away, fella.
♪ I don't care if they don't match Or one's bigger than the other ♪
♪ You can show me one ♪
♪ I'll imagine the other ♪
♪ Even if you're really old ♪
♪ There's nothing wrong ♪
♪ Don't be sad Your boobs ain't bad ♪
♪ They're just a little long ♪
♪ Show them to me ♪
♪ Lift up your shirt And let the whole world see ♪
♪ Just disrobe and show your globes And a happy man I'll be ♪
♪ If you got those chichis Come on, stand up ♪
♪ I've met a lot of them But never one I've hated ♪
♪ Even if you've had 13 kids And you think they look deflated ♪
♪ There's no such thing as a bad breast ♪
♪ I believe this much is true ♪
♪ If you're a big fat man I'm a titty fan ♪
♪ And I'd love to see yours too ♪
[cheering]
I see them big old titties.
Son of a bitch!
You didn't even wear a bra tonight, you fat bastard. I love it.
♪ So show them to me ♪
♪ Show them to me ♪
Those are some of the biggest titties I've seen on a man.
♪ Just like the girls going wild on TV ♪
♪ Just lean back and show your rack ♪
♪ I'll be in ecstasy ♪
♪ If you've got two casabas ♪
♪ You can show them to me ♪
♪ It's OK, I'm a doctor, I can see ♪
♪ All the world will live in harmony ♪
♪ It will do you good It will give me wood ♪
♪ And we'll make history ♪
♪ If you love your country ♪
It's coming back.
It's coming back!
[cheering]
No wonder you motherfuckers voted for Cruz.
There ain't one titty in here.
There's a pair of titties right there!
There's a pair of titties back there!
There's some. There's some more right there.
By golly, somebody got healed.
♪ Then stand up Show them titties to me ♪
Those are nice right there, boy.
You all been so much fun. Thank you so much for being out here.
Go home and love each other.
Good night. Thank you.
Thank you for coming out. Thank you.
Good night.
[whistling, cheering, applause]